Can you survive infidelity in a relationship

Ultimately, it is up to you and your husband or wife to decide whether you will be able to survive this betrayal, find forgiveness, and preserve your marriage. Actually, the answer depends largely on whether or not the extramarital affair comes to light.

Remember the APA study we talked about in the last question? On the surface, these numbers seem a little bit surprising. Furthermore, when a cheating spouse admits to an affair, it usually means that the affair is over.

By confessing to the infidelity, the unfaithful partner is often indicating that they are ready to live their life in a committed relationship once again. If their spouse can find forgiveness and also move on, then there might be a lot of hope for the relationship yet. Luckily, there is an art to affair recovery, and there is a recipe for feeling better, forgiving your partner, and moving on with your life.

Currently, the Gottman Institute founded by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman is beginning a randomized clinical trial to test the effectiveness of what they call the Trust Revival Method , in which the stages of healing from an affair are described as Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment.

In the Atonement stage, the betrayed partner has an opportunity to express their feelings and ask questions about the affair, and the cheating partner is encouraged to really hear them, answer honestly, and express remorse. In the Attunement stage, both members of the relationship work together to analyze what went wrong and outline better ways of dealing with each other. But if the person who cheated isn't willing to be upfront about why it happened — or starts pointing blame, repairing things might not be possible.

Grant's husband admitted he was a sex addict and sought out therapy on his own to work through it. He had done everything he could to support me as I healed. If the affair is really, truly over, taking the physical steps to cut off contact with the person and set up boundaries is crucial to your partner's healing process.

Brandon Santan , a licensed marriage and relationship therapist practicing in Tennessee. Because Grant's husband worked with the woman he cheated with, this was more complicated. Being cheated on is damaging for a plethora of reasons, but one big factor that needs to be addressed in order to move past it is lack of honesty. This level of transparency needs to continue for as long as it takes to build that trust back up again; something that Elle says was key to her healing process.

He told me where he was going and who he'd be with. Seems humiliating in the short term, but he understood that that was how he was going to rebuild trust," she says. Your gut reaction might be to blast your partner's indiscretions across social media for all to see, which Travis McNulty , LMHC, practicing in Florida says is a common coping mechanism.

But telling everyone in your inner circle can end up backfiring. Grant found support by creating a blog, The Betrayed Wives Club , to connect with others who were also victims of infidelity — a support system she says played a large part in her healing process. Seek support. It can help to share your experience and feelings with trusted friends or loved ones who can support, encourage and walk along with you on your healing path. Avoid people who tend to be judgmental, critical or biased.

Some spiritual leaders have training and might be helpful. Consider seeing a well-trained, experienced marriage and family therapist alone or together. Recovering from an affair will be one of the most challenging chapters in your life.

This challenge may come with ambivalence and uncertainty. However, as you rebuild trust, admit guilt, learn how to forgive and reconcile struggles, it can deepen and strengthen the love and affection we all desire. If you are both committed to healing your relationship despite the pain, the reward can be a new type of marriage that will continue to grow and likely exceed your previous expectations.

There is a problem with information submitted for this request. Sign up for free, and stay up-to-date on research advancements, health tips and current health topics, like COVID, plus expert advice on managing your health. Error Email field is required. Error Include a valid email address. To provide you with the most relevant and helpful information and to understand which information is beneficial, we may combine your e-mail and website usage information with other information we have about you.

If we combine this information with your PHI, we will treat all of that information as PHI, and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of privacy practices.

You may opt-out of e-mail communications at any time by clicking on the Unsubscribe link in the e-mail. If you ever find yourself in this situation — either as the cheat or the betrayed — and you want a chance of your relationship surviving, Rosenberg says there are some common pitfalls that you should avoid in the immediate aftermath of finding out. First off, it's understandable that the shock, hurt and rage you might feel after learning about an affair can make you act on impulse, but this probably won't help, says Rosenberg.

Rosenberg says instead you should "sit back and reflect. Gather information. Do it in a very thoughtful way that is compassionate to both you and your partner". This is not a decision to make in a night or a week or even a month. Perhaps this is not a decision you should make alone," he says, adding that it's a good idea to confide in someone you trust.

On the other side of the coin, people should resist the urge to immediately jump back into bed with each other. But this is not what he'd prescribe.